Growing Up Is Crazy, Man

Hey blog world!

I'm back again. A senior in college now. This is it. It's the home stretch. I'm going to graduate and be thrown into the real world of possibilities and the UNKNOWN.

"So yeah I'm totally ready for anything and feel super prepared for all that life throws at me," said no one, ever.

But hey, if you did think you know what you're doing, you should probably start reevaluating your life cause you need to be confused all the time. I learned that when I stepped foot into my first Calculus I class of my life in college. Just when you start to think you understand what's going on, you get bombarded with new information that makes you rethink every belief you've ever had in your life. I'm serious. It goes that deep. Math does things to ya, man.

This last year of school for me (actual tears are running, I don't know how to live without school) has been a really interesting one for me so far. I'm barely a month into my senior year and I'm already reevaluating my entire career plan. I got placed into a fourth grade classroom and it's my first time experiencing a chaotic, chatty classroom of children who don't like to pay attention. Previously in college, I was in a super well-behaved second grade classroom during the spring, so they were all chipper and ready to learn. Now that I'm thrown into a classroom of rambunctious kids, everything is starting to terrify me.

I actually get to see firsthand how the teacher plans her lessons, what books she uses (THEY HAVE SO MANY WORDS), how she has to follow the standards, and how she has to eventually teach more subjects the students are not yet learning about (science, social studies, etc.). You guys, there are SO many things teachers need to be worried about. And barely enough time in the day to do it all. Not to mention the 85 emails they need to promptly respond to every day. Oh and the meetings. Don't forget the meetings.

I mean, I did understand what kinds of things I would be getting into before committing to teaching, but now that I see it all in front of me, things are scaring me. But when things scare me, that's usually when I need to shut up and deal with it. What a humbling motto.

Part of me realizes that having 800 things to do at once as a teacher is something I am totally capable of, it just seems so daunting because I'm not actually in the world of teaching right now. From what I hear, we have to do more work/projects in a small amount of time when we student teach compared to when we actually teach in real life. It's all about evaluating and explaining and reflecting on what you're doing. That's something that's supposed to be embedded in your teaching but not as formally as you do as a pre-service teacher.

One cool thing about wanting to be a teacher though is that you get to hang out with kids and teach them the ways of the world. In the classroom I'm in right now, the teacher has a super traditional approach to math. There isn't anything wrong with that, it's just that so much has changed in regards to peer interactions and the importance of socializing in the classroom that I always expect more out of modern day teachers. But it's really so easy to fall back on traditional teacher teaching students at the front of the room approaches because we teach what we know. And what we know is that approach and that approach only, because that's how we were structured to learn in school.

Nowadays, there's math talk, collaborative projects with student jobs, checking with a partner, and other methods that allow for students to interact and not simply sit there trying to keep up with the teacher. I'm sort of at the point now where I'm fearful that I'll fall into the traditional way of teaching. Obviously this is a style that students are very capable of understanding and following, I'm not saying it's all awful, but it isn't letting them build as many skills.

Another topic I want to stand on a soapbox about is simply using the textbook materials (ie.-the textbook, workbook, etc.) to teach. It makes me cringe just thinking about only showing students one way of doing something and having them do assignments solely on that because that's what's in the book. I like the idea of games or puzzles or worksheets that incorporate fun into their perception of a subject.

(If you haven't figured it out already, I'm very passionate about math and how it's taught. That's what being a math minor does to your feelings.)

Ideally, I can't ever get to every student and meet every one of their learning needs simply to get them to like a subject. I should never expect to be a teacher that gets every student she teaches a shot of excitement about learning. My true role in it all is to have the attitude that embodies the excitement. Because if I'm not even remotely excited about what's being taught, how can I expect my students to have a positive outlook on school?

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot is what kind of teacher I'm going to be. It's scary thinking that this is the job I've always always always imagined myself doing and a part of me doesn't want to fricking screw this up. My biggest fear throughout my entire education, not just in my college courses but through my life as a student in general, is that I won't know enough. That I won't have an answer for a question a student asks me or be able to provide enough information about something because I decided not to educate myself enough (ie.- the government, court cases, literally all of the subject of science). But I've stepped back recently and realized... ya know what... I don't really have to know everything.

I can know some things and then re-learn more as I go. If the students are learning about the human body, I can just research the human body. I can give kids a chance to explore with me, that's the whole point of education to begin with! WE'RE ALL FREAKING LEARNING TOGETHER. So if a student asks me a question like, "What's the difference between the republican and democratic parties?" I can just go, "I don't know" (And obviously get back to them on that answer cause I'm not a jerk).

But not knowing doesn't make me any less of a teacher. That's what I just realized. We don't all know the capitals of the states or why the Appalachian Mountains have rounded peaks or why fish lay eggs or what types of objections you can use in court. We just gotta figure it out if we need to. We should be the ones giving the students the resources to figure it out on their own.

That's what teachers do; they facilitate learning. They don't teach you every single thing about life. They teach you what they're supposed to and students can keep that learning going when they're curious about knowing more.

Education is so cool. What's even cooler is that I've never been a perfect student in my schooling, yet I have the opportunity to teach. I get to be in the front of the classroom. I get to bond with the students. I get to teach students based on what they respond best to.

Frick yeah, man.

Anxiety & Sugary Coffee Thoughts

Hello Blog World. It's been a while. Like... a year.

 I've been doing the usual college routines: Get up, eat some food, crawl to class, eat more food, come home, play with my cat (Yes, I got a cat and his name is Billy and I'm obsessed with him), go to bed. Now that my junior year of college is all done, I have a long summer ahead of me. And you know what that means? ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION WOOOO. It seems to always come out of its shell right when my routine changes and I don't have school to occupy my time. The best. Right when I want to be relaxing and spending time doing nothing, my aloneness sparks thoughts of "Wow, I'm so lonely" or "Man, let's evaluate everything I've done in my life" or "Geeze, I have so many more hours in the day, what am I gonna do." They just spiral around and around all the time now cause nothing else is occupying my brain. So that's real nice.

As I've told many of my closest friends, going to therapy has been one of the greatest decisions I have ever made in my entire life. Everything to this point in my life has gradually been making sense because I've spent the time learning about myself. I'm super emotionally aware and understand so many deeper parts of myself because I overanalyze everything... But it's all so great. Except for the times my anxiety hits a weird peak and I start to feel like I'm starting aaaall over again. Cause that's exactly what anxiety likes to do to me: Control my emotions and bodily systems to make me feel off balance. ANXIETY ALWAYS HAS IT OUT FOR ME, I TELL YA.

It has always been a process at this time. Summer comes, so does the anxiety.

So yeah, that's what's been going on with me. Prepare for some more rants in the future because I'll probably have them. I had a better one in my head earlier but I'm sitting in Starbucks right now drinking super sugary coffee and watching Netflix and my brain has suddenly decided to shut down. Just another day in my life.

You Know It, I'm Not a Real Poet

Ah-HA! I am back. Yes, I know it's been close to forever since I've written anything, mostly because college life has been complete busy chaos. Quick general life update: Sophomore year was swell and I finished strong (in my opinion), I get to live my summer in my lovely college town, I will be working two jobs that will take up the majority of my time, and it's gonna be all good in the hood.

So I usually post things for the sole purpose of ranting, but this time I'm going to post some other random stuff. Because of the complexity of my anxiety, as I've talked about in previous posts, I use a lot of different outlets to, well, get it out of me. One of my favorite and most effective ways of release is by writing and drawing in journals. I wrote a few poems today and a few months back that I really liked and I felt like really envelope how I'm feeling right now, and I've decided to share those. Cause I like them. And because seeing self-expression makes me feel better about myself, especially when I can explain stuff in a different medium other than through my physical body.

Some of these poems are about my anxious mind in general and others are more situational and have a basis on what's going on in my life right now. I have a knack for giving things titles, so I gave some of them titles but others didn't feel right to me to write titles to. Just as a heads up, I am in no way a poet and I do not intend to tell you miraculous poems that are going to blow your mind. This is just me putting words to my feelings, I am not turning this in for a grade or to a publisher because I'm not actually an expert at this. Self. Expression. Okay, so anyways, here goes.

The lonesome days
The clouded mind
The dreary limbs
The weighted heart
The deep desire
The cold connections
The fluff to fill
The potential mate
The rude judgement
The slanted comment
The unsure act
The crowded body
    The crowded body
       The crowded body
           The crowded body
       No room for more
    But keep going anyways
       One day at a time
           They say
       Suck it up and fake it
The contradicting images
The off-putting sight
The sunken confidence
The worthless depth
The constant reiteration
The crowded body
Searching for a time and place
Where vicious cycles are gone
And evenly distributed feelings
Aren't muted for eternity
Because everyone is here at once.

"The Storm"

The sky rumbles
As my insides scramble
The leaves fall to the ground
But my tears remain in storage
The rain flows down freely
But my emotions are stuck inside
The depth of the darkness
Is my inner cry for understanding
The swaying leaves
Are my unstable thoughts
The dirt of the land fills with water
My mind fills with frustration
The uneven pace of the storm
Is my unpredictable self
The heavier the downpour
The heavier my heart
The heat swirls into a mist
My head clogs up the steam
The leaves stand in way of rain
My mind stands in way of my expression
The droplets stay steady for a while
But like my thoughts
The pattern will not last forever
Lightning strikes but once in a while
And the panic comes too close behind

"Hope but Hurt"

My heart can ache for you
My desire can scream for you
The depth of my hope can reach for you
My emotions I can invest in you
My energy can pour into you

But reality and sense are what hit me too hard
I think of settling and am scared to wish for good things
All I see is the good vibes and the understanding
The confidence and the compliments
The attraction and the attitude
But the longing and the hopeful heart
And the guilt and the sadness
With the misunderstanding and the stiff change

Something is better
Something needs no compromise
But the hurt of my heart
Is too much to say no
So I am going against my pain
And sticking with hope
Because hope is just a different hurt


So yay, cool, thanks for reading my poetry rants. I'm realizing now that they're all kind of a downer, so I'm sorry if you're sad now. It's not my fault, cause you're the one that decided to read this. So, HA. Okay, anyways, thanks for reading and all, I'll probably post more this summer. TOODLES.

Why Anxiety Sucks Butts 101: Surviving with a Controlling Mind ... Barely

It's all the same, it just blends in to my thoughts. Everything and nothing is swirling and twirling its way through my brain and you're just adding to the mess. Your words go through one ear and out the other. I hear you, I just don't understand you. You're doing everything you shouldn't be doing which is why I need to be alone. Stop trying to help me, stop trying to fix me, stop feeling sorry for me. Because I'm done feeling sorry for me.

This isn't just a jumble of sentences in an argument or even a paragraph of an advice column. No, what this is is what my brain is going through during anxiety. I have these strains of thoughts that violently flood me and sometimes I say these out loud to real people, and sometimes I have imaginary arguments in my head with no one in particular. The amount of time I spend doing this varies on so many things and right now it seems to be worsening.

I happened to come home for winter break only a week ago, which to most everyone seems like the least stressful of times because you're with your family, you're in your old bedroom, you're playing around with your weird pets, and you're going about your daily life as if you were still young enough to not have a care in the world. But oh no, no, my dears. For me, although I do have my happy catch-up moments with my family and old friends, this part in time is a disaster. Disaster might seem harsh in this case, but it's all I could come up with while still moderately an anxious mess, so bear with me.

*gasp* "But Maddy, how would you ever think that being with your cozy family in your cozy home with your cozy memories would be a bad thing?!" BECAUSE I HAVE NO ROUTINE, PEOPLE. That's right, I have no routine, no schedule, no deadlines. Nothing I need to plan for. And that in itself gives me raging anxiety. No, this isn't some form of obsessive compulsive disorder where I need it or I'll go nuts, but I basically slowly begin to go crazy because every single day is so vastly different that it essentially scares me. Another unfortunate side effect of having so much downtime is that I have more time to think and more time to myself.

Any person in the world with any level of anxiety in them would now be crying and screaming at that last sentence in resounding agreement. Why? Well, apparent normal person, people with anxiety do not want and do not ever need any extra long stretches of time EVER. Because you know what downtime and thinking causes? Sadness. Anger. Fear. More sadness. Exhaustion. More fear. Lots of fear. Lots of anger. Bouts of crying. Annoyance. And above all: Confusion. Cause really, as if the amount of free time isn't enough, why not throw in a cloud of confusion over all your emotions because WHY ARE YOU FEELING THIS WAY AND WHY CAN'T IT GO AWAY WHEN PEOPLE SAY, "It'll be okay. You're going to be okay." Yeah, let's shut up and never say that phrase ever again or I may scold you.

That's one of those things that's sucked the most about having anxiety. Telling people when you have these problems/thoughts/"symptoms" apparently is supposed to help you somehow (???What since when what who when what HOW???). Like I can see how talking about it to professionals can give you better understanding (trust me when I say that I've gotten more insight than I could have imagined with this route), but you never actually have raging, full-blown, crazy anxiety when you're talking to them because that's just not how things seem to work. No, you have raging, full-blown, crazy anxiety when you're around normal people who don't understand why you're so crabby and weird.

"You're going to be okay! I know you are!"
Me: Shut up that phrase never works get away from me forever you know nothing.

"You've been through this before, you'll know how to get through it."
Me: But I feel like I'm dying right now AND THE FUTURE DOES NOT HELP ME IN THIS MOMENT. (Literally guys, the definition of anxiety is fear of the future. So saying "Remember the past because it'll give you a future to look forward to" does not work at all. Fun fact. You're welcome.)

"Use your tricks!"
Me: I cannot solely rely on the methods I have had in the past that have gotten me through panic attacks, people. Surprise, not every single stinking situation is the same!

"Did you try this? Do you need me to get you something? Maybe you should lay down for a little bit. Try walking around more."
Me: Hey, yeah, cool just throw out as many suggestions as possible in eight seconds and maybe my swirling thoughts will subside, you're a genius! And laying down for a little bit? Alone? With my thoughts? For a long period of time? Gee, you must be an anxiety EXPERT.

I could very literally list book-loads more of these phrases I've been told over the years, you really have no idea. Yes, it does suck that no one can help me during my anxious episodes, but you know what ends up being even more annoying? When I've already told them multiple times in the past that they can't help me during these moments and they still choose to pretend they know what they're doing and like they're going to cure me of my ailments. Like hey, yeah, let's just leave me alone and it'll go away sooner, yay bye!

But anyways, reining back in, I'm kind of a mess at home right now. I'm kind of losing my mind during parts of the day and I often find myself wandering aimlessly through the house, rolling on the ground whilst looking around the room in confusion, and/or staring at inanimate objects until I can make my mind focus solely on one thing (Fun fact: Never effective, yet I still try it.). I guess you could say that's the beauty of anxiety, that you have to fight through it. That it makes you feel strong and like you can move mountains and make your life that much more meaningful. Yet here I am, a seventh year struggler, if you will, still going through the motions, still not being able to get my brain under control.

It sucks, I'm not going to fluff it up for anyone mostly because I can't. It's not something I'm proud of dealing with even though I've told people it is. Anxiety isn't me, it's a part of me, yet I somehow forget each and every one of those insightful words once I'm in an anxious state of mind. It sucks. It seriously sucks and I wish I could give you every single thing I'm thinking right now and put it into words to show you what this is like. But I can't, so writing random things down is as close as I can get. My anxiety just loses me. I'm everything and I'm nothing and it's actually super scary.

I don't like eating, I don't like sleeping, I don't like reading, I don't like talking. I don't like doing relaxing yoga poses. I don't like sitting in a chair. I don't like looking at people. I don't like sitting. I don't like standing. I don't like thinking.

But guess what I'm doing. I'm thinking. And I'm thinking about everything and nothing because I can't stop and no one is stopping me because they can't. I'm lost, I'm being eaten, I'm being swallowed, I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm wounded. I can't come back from anxiety the same as I was before. I just have to go through the same motions and expect myself to deal with the future. I can't run from any of this at all. I'm stuck.

But I'm going to get past this someday. That I can plan for.

First Comes Worth, Then Comes Caring...

worth
noun
Definition: usefulness of importance, as to the world, to a person, for a purpose

This is one of those words that bops around in my head all the time, especially as I get older. No, I'm not having thoughts of taking my own life and no I am not depressed, let's get that straight here. I'm just always curious about the idea of worth in people's eyes. It's one of those words that shows up so often in everyday disputes and decisions that sometimes it goes so unnoticed.

"Is he/she/it really worth it?"
"Will that be worth your time?"
"You're worth more than that and you know it."

If you ask me, the word that strongly correlates to worth is enough. Is this enough, have I done enough, will I be enough? Have I done enough to be considered worth it? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the average person thinks these things on a fairly regular basis. Regardless of situation and direct admittance to these exact questions I've stated, it's fair to say I'm right.

Every twist and turn and flip life throws our way, we're always first questioning our abilities. How can you show that you're enough? How can you exemplify your worth enough so that it's actually helpful? Can you achieve what's expected of you, or do you see yourself falling short? The endless possibilities are floating through your mind while you try your hardest to pin down the times you did feel enough.

I really think that's one of the hardest things to do sometimes, depending on the situation: remembering when you felt worth it and using the knowledge you have of yourself to assess it. Cause I don't know about you, but when I start thinking about all the times I've doubted myself and my abilities, they start eating me up.

Remember that one time all your friends got a perfect on the test, and you got barely a C? Or that other time when that guy tried asking you out and you said no because you thought you weren't ready enough? Or what about when you were so lost in your own world that you couldn't be a decent daughter that day? Why couldn't you take a leap and try to be better than who you think you are?

It seems so easy for someone to say to this "Am I worthy?" problem, "You are SO enough! Look how far you've come!" But honestly, shut up. There are so many people in your life that can say the tiniest little things that actually make you blow up. Questioning your entire relationship with people so close to you is probably the most unhealthy thing ever. I go days obsessing over one little comment someone made about me and I can't help but wonder how worth it I  really am to stick around.

It's like this: No one ever wants to hear from their loved ones (both family and friends included) that something they did was stupid or something they said shouldn't have been said. It's just hard not having that validation from everyone, because you just start expecting it.

But there's really a difference between being worthy of other people and being worthy of yourself. Obviously, you're gonna have more criticism for yourself because, well, it's you. You can take it. You've been through tons of crap. But what really throws a loop in being enough is when other people are better than you. Being jealous and comparing yourself to others is about the worst thing you could do to yourself in terms of wanting to feel enough, but the best thing when it comes to bettering yourself.

Instead of seeing it as 'She got a perfect on that test and you got five wrong', you could see it as 'I did pretty good for the hardest section of the class.' But, like me, you're probably looking at that like, 'Psh. Yeah right. Do you KNOW how hard it is to just automatically switch your brain around to think that in that situation?' Exactly. But bettering yourself takes EFFORT and effort can't exist without actual motivation.

So what am I saying exactly? Worthiness shouldn't be everything you think about. If it takes of part of your day, great. If it takes up all of your thoughts you have while thinking about that one person, then maybe something needs to be done. Being so consumed with thoughts of whether or not you're worth a person's energy and time is so easy to do, but so harmful in reality.

Be gentle with yourself. Being worthy of someone's love and time isn't what you should be thinking so much about. It's whether or not you're worth your own time. Whether you spend enough time seeing yourself as a decent person amidst chaos and problems you have to face. Whether you can be better in this situation than you have been in the past.

Writing Stuff: My Precious Outlet

As you can probably already assume by now, I have a secret (or not-so-secret in this case) passion for writing. I like seeing words appear on the screen before me, forming organizes paragraphs and papers, and even going out of my way to make sentences more exciting. Now my childhood didn't consist of tons and tons of filled journals, secrets and annoyances flooding each and every page, but I definitely took dents at some. Even looking back now, I love seeing how my thoughts have changed and even matured, if you will.

So basically, I see my passion for writing as a great strength. Nine times out of ten, I'd rather write a letter to someone than actually confront them in person about my true feelings. Heck, I've already written three letters to a guy who I've talked to maybe five times telling him how drawn to him I am. Yeah. That's right. You heard me. Drawn to him. My word choice has purpose, people. I mean, obviously I haven't posted any of them on here nor have I intended to send them to him any time soon, I just like seeing my feelings written out.

My very first year of college, which literally just ended a little over two months ago, I learned so much more than I pictured learning. Honestly, elementary, middle, and high school flew by me so fast that I can hardly remember which Native American tribe settled where and what books I had to write papers about. But college, boy. College is a different story altogether. In a sense, I feel completely alive and alert to my education here. Like I've legitimately matured up to this point for the sole purpose of taking in what I'm learning and soaking it up like a sponge.

As one or multiple of my other posts has likely already mentioned, I've wanted to be a teacher since I was basically told what a teacher was. My brother, less than four years younger than me, has been under my teaching and watchful eye as I learned addition problems and how to differentiate "there" from "their." Our school-playing was my peak into that lifestyle that I thought I knew so much about, but only my continued years in school could teach me. I marveled endlessly at learning and how much homework I could get done at school versus at home, and how I can balance everything being thrown at me.

But one thing I knew for sure that whole time was that I would never, ever not love school. Which, ideally is going to help me be a bomb-dot-com teacher someday. But ANYWAYS. Back to my point with college. Although these physics equations and ancient photography techniques from my first year there are long since gone, I see the benefits I'm having just holding on to the random lessons that did impact me. I like to consider myself a well-rounded student, but college is starting to drive me in very specific directions now.

One of the very first classes I took in college was a writing class. My approach to this was more on the fearful side, especially considering college has a reputation for "Write a seven-page essay by tomorrow morning!" But by the time the professor handed out the assignment calendar and expectations for the class, I knew right then it was going to be a hundred times more bearable. Actually, it ended up being one of my favorite classes I've taken so far.

I think one thing that I was most drawn to by this required class was how much variance there was in the subject matters. I found myself writing about so many different topics and was able to learn so much more about how writing can be effective. In my high school years, I remember taking an "Intro to Journalism" class which I ended up thoroughly enjoying. I was amazed at how many connections I could make between that class and my simple college writing class, especially in relation to how well I could develop my ideas into a paper.

One other thing I found very, very intriguing about the class was when I had to peer review papers from other students in my class. Not only was I surprised by how great some of them wrote, but I was also shocked in my seat by the number of "thrown together" and strangely bad ones I came across. I had close to no idea what a group of college students would be like academically at my school, but I did have some seriously high hopes coming in.

Another thought I had with this matter is how surprised I was by the number of students in my classes that use the Internet as a means of credibility to their work. For some reason, in all my years of schooling, I never really imagined that using the Internet for questions I have and things I'm unsure about as a resource. I just always assumed things were in the textbook and if I didn't get it there I could ask the teacher. But I had students in one of my other classes (one of my summer classes, actually) use answers from the INTERNET for their quiz answers. ...Honestly, haven't we been learning our entire education journey NOT to plagiarize? Obviously, if your wording and formatting is too good to be recognized as student-written work, YOU WILL GET CAUGHT.

Ugh. People. But in all seriousness, I take my writing very seriously. I pride myself on whipping out papers when I'm finally motivated enough to, and organizing all the required pieces of the paper I need. I take my time and I actually usually care about my writing because I'm putting thought into it.

Like this blog, for example. I never post anything on here that doesn't express how I'm feeling or processing life because I care about my product. I feel like I put enough in one of these posts to publish and I take credit for coming up with these random rants. And honestly, it just helps. It helps with life and my thoughts and how I see things. I like reading them back because writing lets me put my feelings on paper/a screen and allows me to see myself.

So, yeah. Writing rocks.

Rant of the Day: Don't Be a User, Be Cooler (That doesn't even sort of rhyme...)

People who use other people are dumb.

Like, hey, let's be friends. Wait, no, actually just be my friend so I can have you in my life for support cause I need as much of that in my life as possible. WELL GUESS WHAT. BEING USED IS STUPID AND KIND OF HURTFUL.

I mean honestly, don't people ever stop to think, "Hey. This friend is being really supportive of me. I should thank them for their generosity and the time they've given up to help me out" or even, "Wow. This friend rocks all my socks. I should make sure I'm AS supportive to them as they are to me."

But then this all comes back to the idea that *You shouldn't expect things in return because that's the nice thing to do.* Well WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS. Shouldn't friendship be kind of an exception to that rule? Like I have plenty of people in my life that are totally and fully there for me, but should I just expect that from ALL my friends I have? Or is it okay to have those friends that you can tell anything to, they tell you everything, and your input matters more than the fact that they have absolutely no care in the world for you and how your life is going?

Because approaching someone like, "Hey, how are you?" sounds like genuine interest, right? And like they actually want to start a conversation with you about how you are doing. But then it turns into me reciprocating the question and then a follow-up of just THEIR LIFE. "These are my problems, this is what's happening with my life, this is how I'm feeling, this is how my family is treating me, this is how bored and lonely I am, blah, blah, blah..."

Well, GUESS WHAT. I have a life too, friend. I have problems, I have issues, I have boredom and loneliness streaks, but I don't need to seek out people to help me feel better about myself all the darn time. I'm not trying to be 100% on the offensive wagon here, but there's a time and place for things and I don't know how telling more people about your problems is actually going to solve them. Cause "You're the only one I've ever told" and "I trust you enough to keep this information" are just lies at the end of the day and I can't afford to be around people who treat me like that. Especially when they're asking *me* for advice on stuff.

Like I'm really sorry about your life, but you're giving me more worry to deal with and my advice is about as worthless as a popsicle in the wintertime. But honestly, why is it so easy for me to keep playing this game? Why do I expect something different in our friendship than just me telling you "It's okay" and "You'll get through it" and "You are better than that" all the time? When is it time for me to put my foot down and say, "Hey, yeah, I want something out of this friendship too. I don't do one-sided for long until I give you the boot. I don't work like that. I expect more from the people I care about"?

So pretending you're okay with one-sided friendships is so dang easy, but it's even easier to admit that you're better than something like that. There's a fine line between wanting to trust someone with your thoughts and feelings, and being a friend to that person that's listening to you.

So there. Lesson of the day: Be a good friend. Good friends rock. Good friends don't cause problems because they care on a different level. Peace out.