An Influential Rant; Featuring: The "Old-Fashioned" Virgin (Yeah. That's right. SEX.)

This past weekend I watched the ever-hilarious game show The Newlywed Game where three couples face off in the battle of "How Much Do You Really Know About Your Spouse?" Not only is this one of my favorite shows, but I also find myself entertained by the relationships between each of the couples, and gushing at their every gesture towards one another. But, as I was watching it recently, there came across a woman and her husband who had waited until they were married to engage in sexual intercourse for the first time. Now I am fully aware of people's contradicting views of this, but needless to say, my friend and I squealed of gladness when they were introduced. The thing that struck me though was when the woman was specifically asked questions about the roleplaying and activity that went on in the bedroom. For every answer to that category of questions, she produced some sort of response around the words "I dunno, I'm just really old-fashioned that way!"

So apparently not having experience in the bedroom constitutes that you're "old-fashioned?" Has our society developed so far into the functions of sex that we can't even fathom the idea of waiting for the right person to do it with? Now I'm not saying that ALL people that have sex before marriage (or even instead of marriage) have sex with the wrong person or a total stranger or whatnot, but would it really kill you to wait until you're bonded in holy matrimony to engage in something so special as that? It makes me kind of sick to think of what adults, let alone teenagers, of this day in age think sex means, if anything. What happened to the value in waiting? What happened to "I love you so much that I'm willing to wait if you are"?

Call me "old-fashioned" (I'm already starting to hate that phrase), but I think there's some truth to that. Isn't that what we people want in this world? To be loved and cherished so much that someone would go out of their way to sacrifice that? Are we seriously all so sexually excited and impatient that we can't just "hold off" until we can share something so special like that with someone you think is so special? Honestly, I see more harm in getting it on before marriage than after. Regrets, doubts, hard feelings? Wouldn't you much rather experience the joy of it for the first time with someone you love unconditionally than to "try it out" or use it as a means supposedly necessary for a relationship?

There are people out there that have the same morals and values as me, and I know it as well as anyone does. I'm going to continue waiting because when you truly wait for something like that, it becomes that much better and more precious in the end. I mean, I'm no love expert, but I can confidently say that love is not sex. Or just sex, for that matter.

"But what about the people that already do it all the time because that's what a relationship is all about? Making compromises for one another, right?"
*annoying wrong-answer buzzer sound*

No. False. I don't care what you do. I don't care if you have sex tomorrow for the first time "just cause" or if you plan on waiting to find someone you love and have sex right before marriage, okay? I. Don't. Care. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't feel pressured into doing it just because society apparently thinks it's "the norm." You should also not feel pressured if the person (male OR female) has already had sex before. "What if I'm not experienced enough?" or "I feel like I'm letting him/her down by not doing it!" Do not, I repeat, do not feel obligated to fulfill that desire. If you don't own yourself and value what you have or haven't done, at least imagine or pretend to value yourself. It all comes back to faking it until you make it. Cause honestly, I've been doing that for 18 years. That many years of my life I've questioned, gotten scared, been questioned, and even considered changing.

But ta-daaa! Here I am. Venting about abstinence on a dumb blog because I have nothing better to do and because I have a say in what life I get to live. I have control of it and I'm perfectly fine. We people exist and we don't have to be afraid to exist. Not being experienced really isn't that big of a deal if you don't let it become one.

My values might be different or "more strict" than yours, but at least I have something to lean on, ya know? And what do you have? A vagina?

Water In My Eyes: The Tell-Tale Sign of Faking It Until You Make It

Now this title most literally pertains to my unfortunate battle with the wind everyday, since apparently my lovely college campus needs to have this lovely river nearby that finds joy in making people feel pain. My dry eyes are no match for the blustering push of the wind, yet I manage to march on with tears streaking my wind-whipped cheeks.

"Are you okay??"
"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. It's just the wind."
"Oh my gosh, are you alright?"
"Yes, stop asking me what question. The wind is blinding me."

But this isn't just talking about wind, is it? That's not the only thing that makes tears stream down my face, that's for sure. Now, as I usually warn you, don't start a pity party right now. "Aw, poor Maddy! She's gonna tell us some super emotional story about herself and we're gonna feel sorry for her and comfort her little sad, teary-eyed face." No. Just...just stop. The reason I'm bringing this up is because I don't  even cry that often anyways. That's the thing.

All through high school I'd let my stress go by crying. You could say this is a typical hormonal period of time in a young adult's life, but for me, I thought it was gonna be like that forever. The beginning of the school year was always the hardest for me. Readjusting to the juggle of homework, tennis, and family time was an overwhelming thing to unravel. I never found myself at a super dark place, but I often dipped low.

Because of my experience with anxiousness in social settings and other predicaments, I tended to release my frustration and sadness in crying. It was all I could do to get it flushed out of my system. Tennis really did help me let loose more of the frustration part, but the emotional piece continued to stick on. Build up more, even. And I hated that. I hated having to release my anxiety in two different ways and typically in two different places and at two different times of the day. I needed an escape.

Now that I've entrusted myself into the college world, I can't find a way to get it out. Somehow, over the journey to get here, I lost my tears. I lost my reasons to cry and my reasons to let out my frustrations. It's as if someone stuck a plug in my side and now I am only allowed to let out the emotions in a steady stream. I've used the analogy of a dam for my anxious mind recently and I keep coming right back to it. It really makes sense right now. I've spend so long dealing with the dam just suddenly breaking down and ruining everything, when I could just find a way to get out a nice trickle. Just a nice, steady trickle of water. A small stream, perhaps.

This dam of mine breaks at times when I feel the most alone, the most lost. All the other times, people are putting up the bricks piece by piece trying to revive me and give me reasons to trudge on. But really, how long will people keep picking up my bricks? How long until I can hold that dam up for longer than just a few weeks? When can I feel that steady stream? When, if ever, will it get easier?

I've always seen my dam issue as almost a burden, per se. Not such a huge burden that it's preventing me from trying new and dangerous things or being true to myself, but when I'm around people I care about. I've never wanted to be in people's way, I've never wanted to worry anyone. I just wanted to deal with things internally and by myself so that everyone would think I was okay. But guess what? That's what I've been doing and instead of it helping me, it's been eating me alive.

Yes, I fake it 'til I make it and I lie to convince myself that things were once worse than what I'm experiencing now. But the truth of the matter is that I'm both not fine and incredibly wonderful at the same time. I have a confidence, but I have a downfall. I have a stupendous reputation, but a bad sense of motivation. I have intelligence, but not enough to get me farther than where I'm at.

I think patience is such a big part of this life I live. If I weren't so patient for things to happen, I'd literally be a wreck right now. I would be a dirty, hopeless, ridiculous mess. But guess what? This is where I am, this is what I've seen, this is how my dam is built, this is how I want it to be, and this is me looking at the future with hope. Because that's what's got me here. Just hope. Just hope, confidence, and the ability to fake what I have until I've got it.

And right now, all I want is to make it. With or without the tears.