Why Anxiety Sucks Butts 101: Surviving with a Controlling Mind ... Barely

It's all the same, it just blends in to my thoughts. Everything and nothing is swirling and twirling its way through my brain and you're just adding to the mess. Your words go through one ear and out the other. I hear you, I just don't understand you. You're doing everything you shouldn't be doing which is why I need to be alone. Stop trying to help me, stop trying to fix me, stop feeling sorry for me. Because I'm done feeling sorry for me.

This isn't just a jumble of sentences in an argument or even a paragraph of an advice column. No, what this is is what my brain is going through during anxiety. I have these strains of thoughts that violently flood me and sometimes I say these out loud to real people, and sometimes I have imaginary arguments in my head with no one in particular. The amount of time I spend doing this varies on so many things and right now it seems to be worsening.

I happened to come home for winter break only a week ago, which to most everyone seems like the least stressful of times because you're with your family, you're in your old bedroom, you're playing around with your weird pets, and you're going about your daily life as if you were still young enough to not have a care in the world. But oh no, no, my dears. For me, although I do have my happy catch-up moments with my family and old friends, this part in time is a disaster. Disaster might seem harsh in this case, but it's all I could come up with while still moderately an anxious mess, so bear with me.

*gasp* "But Maddy, how would you ever think that being with your cozy family in your cozy home with your cozy memories would be a bad thing?!" BECAUSE I HAVE NO ROUTINE, PEOPLE. That's right, I have no routine, no schedule, no deadlines. Nothing I need to plan for. And that in itself gives me raging anxiety. No, this isn't some form of obsessive compulsive disorder where I need it or I'll go nuts, but I basically slowly begin to go crazy because every single day is so vastly different that it essentially scares me. Another unfortunate side effect of having so much downtime is that I have more time to think and more time to myself.

Any person in the world with any level of anxiety in them would now be crying and screaming at that last sentence in resounding agreement. Why? Well, apparent normal person, people with anxiety do not want and do not ever need any extra long stretches of time EVER. Because you know what downtime and thinking causes? Sadness. Anger. Fear. More sadness. Exhaustion. More fear. Lots of fear. Lots of anger. Bouts of crying. Annoyance. And above all: Confusion. Cause really, as if the amount of free time isn't enough, why not throw in a cloud of confusion over all your emotions because WHY ARE YOU FEELING THIS WAY AND WHY CAN'T IT GO AWAY WHEN PEOPLE SAY, "It'll be okay. You're going to be okay." Yeah, let's shut up and never say that phrase ever again or I may scold you.

That's one of those things that's sucked the most about having anxiety. Telling people when you have these problems/thoughts/"symptoms" apparently is supposed to help you somehow (???What since when what who when what HOW???). Like I can see how talking about it to professionals can give you better understanding (trust me when I say that I've gotten more insight than I could have imagined with this route), but you never actually have raging, full-blown, crazy anxiety when you're talking to them because that's just not how things seem to work. No, you have raging, full-blown, crazy anxiety when you're around normal people who don't understand why you're so crabby and weird.

"You're going to be okay! I know you are!"
Me: Shut up that phrase never works get away from me forever you know nothing.

"You've been through this before, you'll know how to get through it."
Me: But I feel like I'm dying right now AND THE FUTURE DOES NOT HELP ME IN THIS MOMENT. (Literally guys, the definition of anxiety is fear of the future. So saying "Remember the past because it'll give you a future to look forward to" does not work at all. Fun fact. You're welcome.)

"Use your tricks!"
Me: I cannot solely rely on the methods I have had in the past that have gotten me through panic attacks, people. Surprise, not every single stinking situation is the same!

"Did you try this? Do you need me to get you something? Maybe you should lay down for a little bit. Try walking around more."
Me: Hey, yeah, cool just throw out as many suggestions as possible in eight seconds and maybe my swirling thoughts will subside, you're a genius! And laying down for a little bit? Alone? With my thoughts? For a long period of time? Gee, you must be an anxiety EXPERT.

I could very literally list book-loads more of these phrases I've been told over the years, you really have no idea. Yes, it does suck that no one can help me during my anxious episodes, but you know what ends up being even more annoying? When I've already told them multiple times in the past that they can't help me during these moments and they still choose to pretend they know what they're doing and like they're going to cure me of my ailments. Like hey, yeah, let's just leave me alone and it'll go away sooner, yay bye!

But anyways, reining back in, I'm kind of a mess at home right now. I'm kind of losing my mind during parts of the day and I often find myself wandering aimlessly through the house, rolling on the ground whilst looking around the room in confusion, and/or staring at inanimate objects until I can make my mind focus solely on one thing (Fun fact: Never effective, yet I still try it.). I guess you could say that's the beauty of anxiety, that you have to fight through it. That it makes you feel strong and like you can move mountains and make your life that much more meaningful. Yet here I am, a seventh year struggler, if you will, still going through the motions, still not being able to get my brain under control.

It sucks, I'm not going to fluff it up for anyone mostly because I can't. It's not something I'm proud of dealing with even though I've told people it is. Anxiety isn't me, it's a part of me, yet I somehow forget each and every one of those insightful words once I'm in an anxious state of mind. It sucks. It seriously sucks and I wish I could give you every single thing I'm thinking right now and put it into words to show you what this is like. But I can't, so writing random things down is as close as I can get. My anxiety just loses me. I'm everything and I'm nothing and it's actually super scary.

I don't like eating, I don't like sleeping, I don't like reading, I don't like talking. I don't like doing relaxing yoga poses. I don't like sitting in a chair. I don't like looking at people. I don't like sitting. I don't like standing. I don't like thinking.

But guess what I'm doing. I'm thinking. And I'm thinking about everything and nothing because I can't stop and no one is stopping me because they can't. I'm lost, I'm being eaten, I'm being swallowed, I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm wounded. I can't come back from anxiety the same as I was before. I just have to go through the same motions and expect myself to deal with the future. I can't run from any of this at all. I'm stuck.

But I'm going to get past this someday. That I can plan for.