First Comes Worth, Then Comes Caring...

worth
noun
Definition: usefulness of importance, as to the world, to a person, for a purpose

This is one of those words that bops around in my head all the time, especially as I get older. No, I'm not having thoughts of taking my own life and no I am not depressed, let's get that straight here. I'm just always curious about the idea of worth in people's eyes. It's one of those words that shows up so often in everyday disputes and decisions that sometimes it goes so unnoticed.

"Is he/she/it really worth it?"
"Will that be worth your time?"
"You're worth more than that and you know it."

If you ask me, the word that strongly correlates to worth is enough. Is this enough, have I done enough, will I be enough? Have I done enough to be considered worth it? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the average person thinks these things on a fairly regular basis. Regardless of situation and direct admittance to these exact questions I've stated, it's fair to say I'm right.

Every twist and turn and flip life throws our way, we're always first questioning our abilities. How can you show that you're enough? How can you exemplify your worth enough so that it's actually helpful? Can you achieve what's expected of you, or do you see yourself falling short? The endless possibilities are floating through your mind while you try your hardest to pin down the times you did feel enough.

I really think that's one of the hardest things to do sometimes, depending on the situation: remembering when you felt worth it and using the knowledge you have of yourself to assess it. Cause I don't know about you, but when I start thinking about all the times I've doubted myself and my abilities, they start eating me up.

Remember that one time all your friends got a perfect on the test, and you got barely a C? Or that other time when that guy tried asking you out and you said no because you thought you weren't ready enough? Or what about when you were so lost in your own world that you couldn't be a decent daughter that day? Why couldn't you take a leap and try to be better than who you think you are?

It seems so easy for someone to say to this "Am I worthy?" problem, "You are SO enough! Look how far you've come!" But honestly, shut up. There are so many people in your life that can say the tiniest little things that actually make you blow up. Questioning your entire relationship with people so close to you is probably the most unhealthy thing ever. I go days obsessing over one little comment someone made about me and I can't help but wonder how worth it I  really am to stick around.

It's like this: No one ever wants to hear from their loved ones (both family and friends included) that something they did was stupid or something they said shouldn't have been said. It's just hard not having that validation from everyone, because you just start expecting it.

But there's really a difference between being worthy of other people and being worthy of yourself. Obviously, you're gonna have more criticism for yourself because, well, it's you. You can take it. You've been through tons of crap. But what really throws a loop in being enough is when other people are better than you. Being jealous and comparing yourself to others is about the worst thing you could do to yourself in terms of wanting to feel enough, but the best thing when it comes to bettering yourself.

Instead of seeing it as 'She got a perfect on that test and you got five wrong', you could see it as 'I did pretty good for the hardest section of the class.' But, like me, you're probably looking at that like, 'Psh. Yeah right. Do you KNOW how hard it is to just automatically switch your brain around to think that in that situation?' Exactly. But bettering yourself takes EFFORT and effort can't exist without actual motivation.

So what am I saying exactly? Worthiness shouldn't be everything you think about. If it takes of part of your day, great. If it takes up all of your thoughts you have while thinking about that one person, then maybe something needs to be done. Being so consumed with thoughts of whether or not you're worth a person's energy and time is so easy to do, but so harmful in reality.

Be gentle with yourself. Being worthy of someone's love and time isn't what you should be thinking so much about. It's whether or not you're worth your own time. Whether you spend enough time seeing yourself as a decent person amidst chaos and problems you have to face. Whether you can be better in this situation than you have been in the past.