Water In My Eyes: The Tell-Tale Sign of Faking It Until You Make It

Now this title most literally pertains to my unfortunate battle with the wind everyday, since apparently my lovely college campus needs to have this lovely river nearby that finds joy in making people feel pain. My dry eyes are no match for the blustering push of the wind, yet I manage to march on with tears streaking my wind-whipped cheeks.

"Are you okay??"
"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. It's just the wind."
"Oh my gosh, are you alright?"
"Yes, stop asking me what question. The wind is blinding me."

But this isn't just talking about wind, is it? That's not the only thing that makes tears stream down my face, that's for sure. Now, as I usually warn you, don't start a pity party right now. "Aw, poor Maddy! She's gonna tell us some super emotional story about herself and we're gonna feel sorry for her and comfort her little sad, teary-eyed face." No. Just...just stop. The reason I'm bringing this up is because I don't  even cry that often anyways. That's the thing.

All through high school I'd let my stress go by crying. You could say this is a typical hormonal period of time in a young adult's life, but for me, I thought it was gonna be like that forever. The beginning of the school year was always the hardest for me. Readjusting to the juggle of homework, tennis, and family time was an overwhelming thing to unravel. I never found myself at a super dark place, but I often dipped low.

Because of my experience with anxiousness in social settings and other predicaments, I tended to release my frustration and sadness in crying. It was all I could do to get it flushed out of my system. Tennis really did help me let loose more of the frustration part, but the emotional piece continued to stick on. Build up more, even. And I hated that. I hated having to release my anxiety in two different ways and typically in two different places and at two different times of the day. I needed an escape.

Now that I've entrusted myself into the college world, I can't find a way to get it out. Somehow, over the journey to get here, I lost my tears. I lost my reasons to cry and my reasons to let out my frustrations. It's as if someone stuck a plug in my side and now I am only allowed to let out the emotions in a steady stream. I've used the analogy of a dam for my anxious mind recently and I keep coming right back to it. It really makes sense right now. I've spend so long dealing with the dam just suddenly breaking down and ruining everything, when I could just find a way to get out a nice trickle. Just a nice, steady trickle of water. A small stream, perhaps.

This dam of mine breaks at times when I feel the most alone, the most lost. All the other times, people are putting up the bricks piece by piece trying to revive me and give me reasons to trudge on. But really, how long will people keep picking up my bricks? How long until I can hold that dam up for longer than just a few weeks? When can I feel that steady stream? When, if ever, will it get easier?

I've always seen my dam issue as almost a burden, per se. Not such a huge burden that it's preventing me from trying new and dangerous things or being true to myself, but when I'm around people I care about. I've never wanted to be in people's way, I've never wanted to worry anyone. I just wanted to deal with things internally and by myself so that everyone would think I was okay. But guess what? That's what I've been doing and instead of it helping me, it's been eating me alive.

Yes, I fake it 'til I make it and I lie to convince myself that things were once worse than what I'm experiencing now. But the truth of the matter is that I'm both not fine and incredibly wonderful at the same time. I have a confidence, but I have a downfall. I have a stupendous reputation, but a bad sense of motivation. I have intelligence, but not enough to get me farther than where I'm at.

I think patience is such a big part of this life I live. If I weren't so patient for things to happen, I'd literally be a wreck right now. I would be a dirty, hopeless, ridiculous mess. But guess what? This is where I am, this is what I've seen, this is how my dam is built, this is how I want it to be, and this is me looking at the future with hope. Because that's what's got me here. Just hope. Just hope, confidence, and the ability to fake what I have until I've got it.

And right now, all I want is to make it. With or without the tears.