One of the weirdest parts about growing up is that you sometimes feel like you're floating in a giant pool called life. As if your past seems like it drifted off toward the shallow end and you're somewhere in the middle of the pool, dreading the overwhelming deep end. Everyone's on the outside, out of the water shouting contradicting commands.
"Keep swimming! You can do it!"
"Wallow in the middle for a while longer, you're not ready yet!"
"Just jump right into it and deal with the consequences later!"
"Honestly, Maddy, do whatever feels right!"
"You'll be fine, stop being such a wuss!"
Do you take one route, or the other? Do you drift into the deep end for a while and get your feet wet, but not too far or you might fall flat on your face? Do you back-track before you start doggy-paddling? There are just too many routes and too many people influencing when or how you should approach life.
One of my favorite (and by favorite, I mean LEAST favorite) phrases is "Just follow your heart." ...I mean honestly, when you read that do you automatically know 'Oh, yeah, totally. I know what my heart's saying cause it can talk. It's like my conscience, it always knows what's up and I can totally figure out what to do in any situation imaginable.' Um. NO. What the heck does that even mean?! YOUR HEART CAN'T SPEAK NOR CAN IT SHOW YOU PATHS TO FOLLOW. SO WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE FOLLOWING.
Oh, but don't forget: "Follow what your heart is telling you, not your head." ... Perfect! That just makes so much sense! Yeah, just ignore arguably your most valuable piece of awesomeness and interpret the answer from the thump-thumping of your heart. Whew! What a relief! Genius!
I may be acting too literal in this situation, but I have a seriously confusing outlook on this idea. Somehow people in movies and storybooks can do it, but we can't, can we? Have we all just made up this crazy belief that our hearts have the real answers in them? Well, maybe. But if that's what works for ya, you go for it. Swim away in that pool past all the ridicules of how you should live.
In actuality, I've never been much of a swimmer. I took one swimming class at a beach when I was younger and mostly hated it. I also have a sort-of-fear of drowning. Even though the chance of that actually happening is quite slim, I still find myself avoiding deep water by all costs. But, back to my metaphorical terms, me not being a swimmer makes me a wallower. I wallow in the middle all the time, casually drifting back to my pastimes while casually drifting into the scary deep end (aka my future). I try to jump into society a little for my upcoming life journeys, but it always ends up being more of a hop.
Switching topics again (sorry for the overwhelming skipping around, my mind just bops around subjects in my head), I want to just briefly bring up my anxious mind. Point blank, I'm a worrier and anxiety has been a personal struggle of mine. I've dealt with it for so long that I finally decided to get serious help for it. And no, I don't mean therapy, because I've done enough of that to write a book about it. I got legitimate medical help and am seeing life in a different light. If the light of life was blue before, it's basically purple now (cause everyone knows purple is better). Fortunately, I have been able to push aside enormous loads that I've never been able to push away before. There's practically a bridge divided in my brain that allows my anxious thoughts to shove to the back.
I can honestly say that my bravery set sail and I am now much more willing to jump toward the deep end, rather than hop. The thump-thumping of my heartbeat might not be followable (that's not a word, but it should be), but I do find it to be a lot more trustworthy. Even matured, in a sense. Because guess what? Your physical heart might not be hard to follow (since it's always where you are), but your soul is. And your soul is what connects to your heart because your heart is what connects to the world which connects to the love of it.
So instead of following that blood-pumping organ, take a jump. A leap, even. You just might figure out what your soul is like, what you believe in. Because you aren't just your soul, your soul is you.
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